31 December - The last day of 2016
A time of reflection
I am sitting in my office in complete solitude with sadness in my heart reflecting back on my past year of heartache.
I started off my year on a positive note in search of myself again, after 2015 left me battered and bruised. I booked a few plane tickets to Iceland, Norway, Finland and Sweden, in my determination to make 2016 count.
As kids, we always want to grow up, but what other adults don't tell you is how tough life gets the older you are. You endure and push through really tough and challenging years, and each new year you enter in with renewed hope for the future. You grew as a person through every mountain you climbed over and through every storm you faced. You promised your self that the lessons you have learned will not repeat itself in the new year, and develop new goals and visions for your future. Happiness doesn't have to be something that is short lived. It doesn't have to be something that with a blink of the eye it is all gone. It doesn't have to be something that comes quickly, and leaves just as quick. Each year gets harder and harder to find that happiness.
A metaphor for personal change
In January, I had no idea that my trip to Scandinavia would become my personal metaphor for change and personal developement. I embarked on my personal journey along a road filled with many twists and turns, extreme weather conditions that caused a sudden change in direction, road works along the way that grinded my journey to a hult. This trip reminded me of one of my favourite sayings - If you don't know where you are going - any road will take you there. It couldn't ring more true now looking back. This metaphor was a constant to every trip that followed - A road trip to KZN and Mpumalanga, Morocco, the Drakensberg and the Kruger National Park. Through these journeys, I grew as a person.
16 days in Scandinavia was amazing. I challenged my own boundaries and did something that I thought I could never do. Rented a car, and traveled through extreme weather conditions. I had never driven on the right hand side of the road before, or the right hand side of the car, let alone in snow storms, often throughout the night chasing the northern lights. I did it, because I believed I could. There were times in this journey that I lost my way, despite never having carried a map along with me. I knew where I wanted to go 90% of the time, and I knew that I would quickly find my way. Sometimes life is like that, we don't get a map for this thing called life, but we travel on the journey in the hope that it will take us where we are meant to be. We let go of all the fear within in us, and we just live and enjoy the ride as best as we know how.
There were times, I lost control of my rental by quickly breaking during snow storms. I spun 360 degrees before my car came to a standstill. The feeling of the loss of control overwhelmed me. Life does that to you - it throws life changing experiences at you that pushes you to a standstill - you lose control during those moments, and forced to push through - not always in the best ways - but in ways that you know how. You don't stand still for very long, you gain control of your car again, and keep traveling along your journey. Each time making you more and more cautious.
In Norway, I made a simple mistake of not checking the weather forecast - and it could have cost me my life.
I missed a 100m avalanche by 8 minutes driving through the mountains en route to Sommarøy islands. I just made it through the road, before the snow came crashing down covering my route. It reminded me to be conscious of the decisions I make in my life, to be careful who I let on this journey with me. Some people will drag through that avalanche.
I wasn't able to make it back that way - the road stayed closed for 2 days. This is the strategy I develop when dealing with life problems. I go into solitude and my road will stay closed for as long as it takes for the snow to melt - for those wounds to heal - for me to heal from life's betrayals. During this time, I undergo road works on myself. Road works serve a purpose in the grand scheme of things. Holes in the road are filled up from the core, smoothed, and covered with a layer of tar. All the tiny gaps that remain are patched up. The development of the road paves the way for the future and for all those to cross its path.
As much as these roads are patched back up, any heavy truck that passes over it, can cause the road to crumble, reopening those wounds.
2016 was a year of that for me. Life got me down 366 days this year. 2016 left me with no time to patch up those wounds.
Death occurred in abundance for me. I lost those dear to me, my "people", my support structures, my rocks, my mentors. I funeral hoped for the most part. Others in my life, were my biggest critics and turned there backs on me when I needed it the most. Friends and family. I went through a year of drug rehab with someone close to me, after he tried to commit suicide with a drug overdose. I was emotionally abused in a relationship that I was luckily it was short lived. I forgave my mother, only to have history repeat itself. My staff caused havoc in my business which resulted in my decision to continue as a one man show. I moved 4 times this year. I landed up in hospital twice, with a heart attack and stroke scare. Before I could turn 32, I suffered internal bleeding and severe bloating again for the 3rd time this year. My body can't take all this stress. And I went through another breakup - this time with someone I really cared about. The instability and uncertainty of my ever changing environment is unsettling.
I put my faith in other people so unselfishly, wore my heart on my sleeve, forgave time and time again to not be appreciated, to not receive love. If there was one gift I could have wished for this year is to feel the presence of love close to me. A kind of love that is so unconditional, that helps you grow.
On this last day of 2016, I am doing roadworks on myself. Finding the strength within me to keep pushing forward into a new year with a renuied mind set along with those that have chosen to stay by my side. Despite all the "holes" that developed this year - there was a lot of people that I met along my journey, that have played their part in making me whole again. I am forever grateful.
It's important for me to be okay, my career depends on it, and all my faithful fans depends on it. I depend on it.
Just a note
Looking back I started my year with this beautiful waterfall, and ironically my last relationship ended recently with a waterfall in the Sabie area. He didn't want to visit a waterfall, but I did. I wanted to go because it formed the foundation of my 2016, I traveled the world for these marvels. And would have liked to have ended it with just one more.
Who would have thought that something as simple as waterfall turned a completely pleasant relationship into self destruction.
Symbolically water represents: Life, Motion, Renewal, Blessing, Intuition, Reflection, Subconscious, Purification, Transformation. Maybe water and all of its compound forms are a representation of where I am at now in my life. Maybe I am being reminded of all the personal growth I achieved, and I am close to where I am suppose to be.
Similarly, snow has played a huge role in my life all year. Eastern cultures use the colour of the snow - white to represent mourning and death. Deep and falling snow is particularly used to represent hardships or death. Melting snow can be used to symbolizes a new beginning or the end of hardships.
Nature has a funny way of teaching you more about yourself. I can only hope that this is the end of all these hardships. I am ready to receive those blessings.
So 2017, I don't know where I am going, but I know in my heart that any road will get me there.